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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409885">Dirkquius Gone Wrong Gone Right (Gone Sexual)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiscItems/pseuds/MiscItems'>MiscItems</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Casual Sex, Choking, Dom Equius Zahhak, Dom/sub, M/M, Makeup, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rough Oral Sex, Snot, Sub Dirk Strider, Sweat, Tentabulges (Homestuck), au where equius is on earth and you dont need to worry about it, but exactly who you expect, but like... not who you expect, nose-related weirdness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:18:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409885</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiscItems/pseuds/MiscItems</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk gets a dick pic, and can't help but give critique. Equius promptly shuts him up.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dirk Strider/Equius Zahhak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dirkquius Gone Wrong Gone Right (Gone Sexual)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey! this is my first dirkquius/pwp/porn/published fic ever so i apologize if i let anyone down 😔</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When formerly-genocidal aliens started turning up on Earth, Dirk considered a sensible act of self-preservation to not consort with them under any circumstances. His alien cum fast was short-lived. His phone buzzed, notifying him that some creep he didn’t know had sent a picture on Grindr. Dirk paused and opened the notification, hoping to find some desperate weirdo showing off his cock. He clicked on the photo, zooming in and out, taking in every gorey detail. Dirk had seen enough Hentai to know a tentacle when he saw one. </p>
<p>	DStri: Hey. I don’t normally take it upon myself to let dudes who send random pictures in on my secret manifesto for casual sex, but it seems that you need a tip. Try not sending pictures of your weird tentacle dildo to randos; they tend to flip the fuck out. If you’re insecure about your dick but still feel the need to be a pervert, you might want to bite the bullet and send asshole pics to unsuspecting guys.<br/>DStri: By the way, I was under the impression that only Bad Dragon stocked on tentacocks, so good on you for breaking the mold. I’m sure someone will appreciate your dedication.</p>
<p>	Dirk clicked the profile and choked. Oh, God. This wasn’t a garden-variety pervert at all. This was a swole ass alien from outer fucking space. But that means… Dirk went to go look at the picture again.</p>
<p>	centaursTesticle: D→ I don’t need your manifesto since you’ve already responded to my solicitation<br/>	centaursTesticle: D→The photo was not of a “dildo”<br/>	centaursTesticle: D→ You enjoyed my phallus<br/>	DStri: Wow. That’s pretty presumptuous, big’un. Now, I’d be lying if I said that I’d never had my cock wet over a guy being completely fucking dense, but you’re frankly pushing it. Besides, sarcastically answering someone with some snarky shit to get into a Buzzfeed listicle isn’t the same as responding to a “solicitation”. I just responded to your opener by tearing you a new one, so your confidence is pretty unfounded.<br/>	centaursTesticle: D→ It is not unfounded<br/>centaursTesticle: D→ You just called me big in the midst of your reprobation of my<br/>centaursTesticle: D→ Unseemly actions<br/>DStri: So?<br/>DStri: As a brief aside, nice creepy pause. I can feel your breath down my neck. Really doin’ it for me.<br/>centaursTesticle: D→ I am aware humans say insincere things as a primitive form of comedy<br/>centaursTesticle: D→ But you are not funny<br/>centaursTesticle: D→ You will fuck me<br/>centaursTesticle: D→ I will allow you to set the time when I arrive</p>
<p>Dirk bit his lip, trying to ignore his cock pressing against his jeans. There was so fucking much to rip into this stupid fucking alien for: his username being the worst thing Dirk had ever read in his whole life, his manner of speaking landing somewhere between overbearing asshole and victorian freak, the way he said fucking “phallus”... But Dirk sent this freak his address and told him to come ASAP. This fucker had an eight pack of abs and Dirk wanted nothing more than for those abs to clench as that freaky blue cock tore through his guts.</p>
<p>Dirk opened the door to find that the alien looked smaller in his pictures. His shoulders were wider than the doorway, and he tilted his head so his horns wouldn’t hit the ceiling. His hair was shiny in a way where Dirk couldn’t tell if it was exceptionally clean or exceptionally greasy. Considering the smell of sweat that was coming off the guy, Dirk thought it was the latter. He stepped out of the way so his guest could enter.</p>
<p>“Centaur’s Testicle,” Dirk said, watching his guest squat and turn sideways to fit through the doorway, “I presume.”</p>
<p>“Equius,” He said, slinging a small backpack off his shoulders. Dirk realized that the backpack was, in fact, of average size. “Tell me your name.”</p>
<p>“My name can’t be DStri?” Dirk shoved his hands in his pockets and looked Equius up and down.</p>
<p>“It is not ‘DStri’ and I will not call you by your screen name. I am not childish.” Equius moved deeper into the room towards the bed, looking around at all the puppets and anime bullshit.</p>
<p>Dirk’s lip twitched. “I get that sarcasm and irony is just lost on you alien fuckers, but I was actually saying your screen name as a joke.” Equius gently shuffled some papers on Dirk’s desk. “Stop touching my shit.”</p>
<p>Equius looked up at Dirk and Dirk realized that they were both the assholes wearing sunglasses indoors. “You keep saying things are jokes, but you’ve yet to be funny, Dirk.”</p>
<p>Dirk glanced at the desk. “Did you look at my fucking mail?”</p>
<p>“You are juvenile. I seek answers when you fail to offer them to me.” Equius sat slowly on the bed, the springs squeaking slightly. He set his backpack next to him and looked to Dirk. “You are passively aware of my… perversions it would seem. What is your safeword?”</p>
<p>“I’ll use my tried and true one: Iliad.”</p>
<p>“You will pick a real word.”</p>
<p>“Iliad is a real word. It’s one of the greatest epics in human history.” Equius slowly nodded and opened the backpack slightly and started rifling around. “Listen, I’m not some marplot who isn’t down for a little sadomasochism, but I draw the line at kissing. I’m really not interested in interspecies tonsil tennis. Like, I’ll slobber on your monster dick, but don’t think that there’s anything else going on here.”</p>
<p>“I will concede to your terms, but know that I would not have compromised had I not already decided that I would not like to kiss humans.” Equius gestured for Dirk to sit on the bed. “I find it a bit difficult to discuss my fetishes aloud so you will consult this list detailing them.” Equius pulled out a laminated piece of paper.</p>
<p>“No thanks,” Dirk put out his hand to block the list from his view. “I’ll probably be down for whatever you have in mind, I’m not a prude.” Dirk knelt on the ground between Equius’ legs. He unbuttoned Equius’ shorts. “Let’s see that monster cock, Equius. I’m jonesing for a taste.”</p>
<p>Equius put his hand over Dirk’s, a chill running down Dirk’s spine. Equius’ hand covered Dirk’s entirely as he slowly grabbed Dirk’s hand. He pulled Dirk’s hands away from his crotch until he was dragging Dirk onto the bed, looming over him. Dirk’s stomach dropped as he realized that Equius wasn’t sweating from the effort of dragging him. </p>
<p>Equius rose slightly, towering over Dirk who was staring up in dumbstruck awe. He watched Equius’ arms flex as he twisted and grabbed something from behind him. His legs still straddling Dirk. As Equius was twisting Dirk caught a glimpse of Equius’ tired eyes from the side. Dirk couldn’t tear his eyes away as he felt Equius shift as he turned back to face him. His body felt simultaneously freezing cold and burning hot as he leaned onto Dirk. Equius stopped with their face’s inches apart, fogging both of their glasses. Equius took his off and dropped them on the floor. </p>
<p>“Fair, they couldn’t break any more, could they?” Dirk held his own in place as if to signal that he didn’t mind the sweat in his eyes.</p>
<p>“You will take them off or I will break them.”</p>
<p>“You won’t.” Equius lowered onto Dirk, making him gasp. Equius slowly pinched the hinge and tried to gently set the glasses next to his.</p>
<p>“You were lucky I was gentle.” Dirk looked away from Equius’ face and focused on his hand, filled with whatever he got from the backpack. Equius took a pen and uncapped it and set his hand beside Dirk’s head. “You will not move.”</p>
<p>A strained breath escaped Dirk’s lips. “Is that makeup? I’m not into that fem stuff. Fine if you are, I guess, but-” Equius held under Dirk’s jaw with his forefinger and thumb. Dirk tried to moan as Equius slid his hand down and pressed his fingers on either side of Dirk’s neck. Dirk gasped out, “I don’t wear makeup.” His head spun as he coughed for breath. Equius alleviated the pressure and Dirk felt his dick rise.</p>
<p>“You will not speak, Dirk,” Equius whispered, closing the distance between their faces as he stared into Dirk’s eye. Dirk’s eye twitched as the cold wand smeared black eyeliner around it. Dirk screwed his eyes shut but Equius kept going, moving to the second eye. “You will stay still while I make you pretty.” Dirk let out a soft breath as he felt Equius’s hands slip around his neck again. “I like pretty boys.” </p>
<p>Dirk took a deep breath, realizing that he couldn’t tell where Equius’ sweat ended and his began as the fabric clung to his skin. “Let me take off my shirt, you fucking freak.” Equius shifted and grabbed the end of Dirk’s shirt, peeling it off his warm, sweaty skin. He tossed it in a pile at the end of the bed and turned back to Dirk. Dirk’s lean muscle was heaving with his breaths as light bruises formed on his neck.</p>
<p>Equius opened a tube of lipstick and smeared it over Dirk’s lips. Dirk sucked his lips in an attempt to avoid having them painted red. Equius grabbed his cheeks and pinched them in, forcibly puckering Dirk’s lips. He smudged the red around as Dirk was trapped in this demeaning position. His cheeks began to redden as his cheeks and dick burned. Equius let go and surveyed Dirk’s face, painted sloppily. “You look like a whore,” Equius said, putting the makeup back in his bag. “You will suck my bulge now.”</p>
<p>“You call it a bulge now?” Equius grabbed Dirk by the shoulders and lifted him off the bed and back down on the floor. Equius spread his legs and Dirk took a few breaths before sliding down Equius’ zipped. He peeled the shorts off, tearing them over Equius’s shoes. “Cleats?”</p>
<p>“Shut up.”</p>
<p>Dirk grabbed the waistband of Equius’ tights, slowly unraveling them. Equius’ thick thighs were warm and sweaty, the muscles glistening. The leggings bunched up around Equius’ ankles and Dirk leaned in.</p>
<p>He licked up Equius’ inner thigh, tasting the salty sweat until he reached the bulge. Something squirmed under the boxers and Dirk took the tight fabric between his teeth, bracing his hand on each thigh as he tore down the last barrier between him and Equius’ cum. He tried biting the skin of Equius' inner thigh but found that it was too tight to get a hold on. Dirk grabbed Equius’ sides and slowly moved towards his dick.</p>
<p>The bulge was already wet, soaked in a foreign indigo and wiggling desperately. Equius stared down as the bulge stroked its tip around Dirk’s cheeks, leaving long sticky smears of indigo precum. Equius’s chest rose and fell as he tried to contain his anticipation. He clasped his hand against the back of Dirk’s head and pushed him onto his bulge. It writhed into Dirk’s mouth, filling it. He wasn’t sure where to start. Equius’ bulge was so big that it was folding in on itself in the back of Dirk’s throat, filling his mouth. He used his tongue to stroke alongside Equius’ cock. He tried sucking as best he could and Equius pulled out, rubbing Dirk’s lipstick all over the base. Dirk took a breath and as soon as he exhaled Equius pushed Dirk’s face onto Equius’ bulge. Equius thrusted and instead of his bulge folding in on itself, it found another path. Dirk’s mouth strained to fit around the wide base as the tip of Equius’ cock pushed out of Dirk’s nose. Dirk coughed violently, but began sucking as hard as he could.</p>
<p>Equius’ cock squirmed as he worked his tongue around the side, making Dirk feel like he couldn’t breathe. He continued anyway, pumping and sucking, feeling Equius’s bulge curl up in the back of his throat. He went as fast as he could, given that he could barely breathe. His nose began to run, mixing with Equius’ cum and streaking down his face. Equius moaned as Dirk slowed his pace, taking it upon himself to thrust into Dirk. Dirk gagged and pulled his face back, letting Equius’s bulge come out of his nose. He grabbed Equius’s firm hips and readjusted.</p>
<p>Equius jammed his cock so far down Dirk’s throat he thought he’d burst his heart. Dirk gasped desperately as he licked up and down, trying his hardest to make Equius moan louder. Black-stained tears streamed down Dirk’s cheeks as he choked on Equius’ cock. Equius finally came, already so deep inside Dirk that he wasn’t sure if he could even taste it.</p>
<p>Equius pulled out and fell back on the bed, gasping for breath. His whole body was drenched in sweat and now so were Dirk’s sheets. Dirk stood over him, shirtless and covered in cum and makeup smears. Dirk gagged into his hand, coughing up some combination of phlegm and jizz. He used his other hand to wipe off his face, trying to regain some dignity.</p>
<p>“Not to grandstand here, but I feel like I did pretty fucking well for my first time with an alien.”</p>
<p>“You were acceptable.”</p>
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